Better get the Xanax cause I think I'm in a panic
and my brain is really getting fried
The kids are getting dumber and it's really not a stunner
cause the evidence supports my find

I mention German Measles cause my buddy's name is Weasel
and the only word I found to rhyme
Lately I've been thinking that this ain't my line of business
and I'm just about to lose my mind

I gotta tell you that the level of discourse
was pretty bad to start with and it's getting worse
Par for the course

Houston we have a problem
And we're running out of time
Houston we have a problem
The kids are all out of their minds [2x]

I wanna tend my garden while my girlfriend wears Eve Arden
and she bitches that we got no dough
Phillip's drinking whiskey with a stripper he got frisky
picked her up and fell and broke his toe

My nerves are really shot and I've become unmanned
And now I see I'm going pale beneath my tan
Where's my Ativan?

[Chorus]